Chain of Mockeries, chap. 4

Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Mockeries

Chapter IV: “Arabian frights”

Our heroes leave Olympus Coliseum and walk along Castle Oblivion’s third floor corridor.

DONALD: I hope the king is okay . . .

SORA: Well, he’s not here, so what’s it matter?

DONALD: I just wanted to make sure I haven’t forgotten about him.

GOOFY: Gawrsh, Donald!  That means you must still remember!  But I wonder what else we’ve forgotten?  Let’s see what we still remember . . . one plus one equals two . . . and two plus two equals five . . .

SORA: Goofy, shut the hell up; we aren’t in Oceania . . . or perhaps we are . . . I genuinely have no idea anymore.

DONALD: Well, if Goofy still remembers everything . . . well, almost everything, then I won’t forget anytime soon.

SORA: And I, unfortunately, still remember Riku . . . I’m sincerely hoping that will change by the time we reach the next floor.

DONALD: You’re a real jerk, you know that?

In another room in the castle, Axel and another figure in a black coat – a BLONDE WOMAN – stand looking through what appears to be a crystal ball.

WOMAN: You sure do seem to have taken an interest in this Sora kid, Axel.  If I were you, I’d tone it down a bit – you know how many crazed yaoi fans this fandom has.

AXEL: And you’re not intrigued by him?  Not even a little bit?

WOMAN: I’m waiting to see what he actually does first.  So, what about him has grabbed your interest?

AXEL: He became a Heartless, Larxene – and you know what happens to people who do.

LARXENE: Every aspect of them becomes completely consumed by darkness, of course.

AXEL: Exactly.  But that didn’t happen to Sora.  He seemed to have held on to his feelings, even as a Heartless . . . and only one other man ever managed to do that.

LARXENE: Which is why I don’t see what’s so fascinating about this kid.  Like you said, he’s not the first case of this happening.

AXEL: But it’s the strength of his heart that’s interesting – the heart chosen by the Keyblade.  I mean, what makes his heart shine like that?  What sleeps in his most secret depths that is impossible to reach?

LARXENE: Please don’t talk about your interest in his heart, Axel.  Remember the yaoi fans.

AXEL: Shut up, you dirty, simple-minded blonde.

Back down below, Sora, Donald and Goofy ascend the staircase to the fourth floor.

SORA: . . . so I asked Kairi why she was so excited about that scene, and she said it was because it was essentially L’amour giving a blindfolded, shirtless Orpheus a sponge bath.  Girls sure are weird . . .

DONALD: What the heck are you talking about?!

SORA: I was just remembering this one time that I went to the opera with Kairi.  Riku was also there, for some reason . . . not that he actually saw very much of it – he was unconscious for the majority of the second act.

GOOFY: Gawrsh!  He found it that boring?

SORA: No – Kairi and I slipped some sedatives into his drink during intermission because he wouldn’t shut up.

DONALD: Wow . . . you and Kairi are hard core!

SORA: You know it!  I sure do miss her . . . but at least I haven’t forgotten about her.  There’s no way I could ever do that!  See, look at this.

He pulls a star-shaped charm composed of shells from his pocket.

SORA: Now, don’t go touching it with your dirty mitts, you hear?

DONALD: What is that?

SORA: It’s Kairi’s lucky charm.  She gave it to me on the promise that I’d return it.  I don’t plan on ever forgetting that promise, and that’s why I’ll never forget Kairi. (He puts the charm away and sighs) Damn, I miss her . . . wonder what she’s doing right now?

He closes his eyes and imagines KAIRI running along the beach at DESTINY ISLANDS; SELPHIE, TIDUS and WAKKA are in hot pursuit.

SELPHIE: HEY, KAIRI!  HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE LEGENDARY POWER OF THE PAOPU FRUIT?!

TIDUS: HEY, KAIRI!  YOU FEEL LUCKY TODAY?!

WAKKA: ‘EEEEEEEY, KAIRI!  WHAT’S ‘APPENING, GIRL?!

KAIRI: WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!

SORA: (chuckling) Yeah, I bet that’s totally what she’s doing!

The image of Kairi suddenly flickers and turns into a BLONDE GIRL CLAD IN A WHITE DRESS.

SORA: Huh?  Who are you, mysterious girl who bears a strange resemblance to Kairi that I’m sure I have never seen before in my life?

GOOFY: Uh . . . Sora?

DONALD: Hello?  You still with us?

SORA: Uh . . . what?

DONALD: Are you hallucinating again?

SORA: What do you mean “again”?

They reach they end of the corridor and Sora holds a card aloft at the door.  In the next instant, they find themselves in AGRABAH, home of sand dunes, dodgy merchants, and uncomfortable Arab stereotypes.

GOOFY: Gawrsh, Sora!  Look!  That person’s in trouble!

He points to ALADDIN, who is surrounded by countless Heartless.

DONALD: We’d better do something!

SORA: Why?  The guy’s got a scimitar – I’m pretty sure he can take care of himself.

DONALD: Come on!  Don’t be such a jerk!

SORA: But what if he doesn’t want our help?  Some people are very particular about getting things done for themselves.

ALADDIN: OH NO!  WITHOUT HELP, I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO DIE!

DONALD: You were saying, Sora?

SORA: One more word and I’ll turn you into Duck à l’Orange!  Let’s kill some Heartless!

They engage the Heartless in battle, but wave after wave continue to come.

DONALD: They just keep coming!

GOOFY: Gawrsh!  What can we do?!

ALADDIN: The only thing we can do – hope for a miracle! (He pulls an old oil lamp from his pocket and thrusts it skyward) Magic lamp!  I wish for you to get rid of these monsters!

SORA: Yeah, I don’t really see how that’s going to – HOLY CRAP, WHAT’S HAPPENING?!

A plume of thick, blue smoke suddenly erupts from the lamp’s spout and materialises as a GENIE.

GENIE: Never fear, the Genie is here!  Getting rid of these monsters, huh?  Simple as pie!  I could do it with my eyes closed!  And I will!  BA-BOOM!

He snaps his fingers and the Heartless all disappear.

DONALD: Wow!  Why didn’t you call him in the first place?!

GENIE: I’LL answer that!  I’m contracted to only grant three wishes per master, and no amount of contract-perusal by your legal team is going to change that – we don’t HAVE a legal team!

SORA: So, you only get three wishes . . . and you just wasted your first on vanquishing a bunch of Heartless?

DONALD: You have to admit . . . it was a pretty useful wish!

ALADDIN: Now I need to get back to the palace.  But there are so many of those monsters everywhere . . . if only there was a team of strangers with weapons who could accompany me . . .

GOOFY: Gawrsh!  We’re a team of strangers with weapons!  Why don’t we help him out, fellers?

SORA: Why?  We don’t know this person from a bar of soap.  And besides, we already tried to help him, and he just ended up summoning that djinn and undoing all our hard work.

ALADDIN: You guys are going to help me?  Thanks a lot!

SORA: . . . did you even hear what I just said?

DONALD: Come on, Sora, don’t be a jerk!

GOOFY: So, why do you want to go to the palace anyways, Aladdin?

ALADDIN: I found this magic lamp in the Cave of Wonders and I need to get it to the palace right away.

SORA: Whoa, wait a second.  You’ve got an omnipotent, wish-granting genie at your disposal thanks to that lamp.  Why would you just throw something like that away?

DONALD: Yeah, you can wish for awesome stuff with that lamp!

GENIE: Exactly what the feathery freak said, Master!  Why pass the lamp onto somebody else when you’ve only used up one wish?

DONALD: For once, someone actually listens to me . . .

GENIE: Oh, I know the feeling!  I’ve spent the past two thousand years doing nothing but others’ biddings, and yet not one of them has ever thought to set me free with one of their wishes whenever I’ve asked them to!  THE HUMANITY!

ALADDIN: Well, gee, Genie, how about I use my last wish to set you free?

SORA: . . . you were angling for him to say that, weren’t you, Genie?

GENIE: Well, of course I was!  Kid was hardly ever going to come up with the idea on his own!

DONALD: Kinda sounds like Sora.

SORA: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

GENIE: Well then, Master, tell me what I can do to make it up to you!  Just name it and it’s yours!

ALADDIN: Well, the only thing I’ve really ever wanted . . . see, there’s this girl . . .

SORA: Of course there is . . .

DONALD: Shhhh!  I wanna hear what he was to say!

ALADDIN: Her name’s Jasmine and she’s the daughter of Agrabah’s sultan.  And . . . well, just look at me.  It’s not like I’ll ever get a chance to speak with her, or even see her.  That’s why I’m taking the lamp to the palace – the royal vizier, Jafar, said he’d help me meet her if I brought the lamp to him.

SORA: So . . . you can’t get into contact with the sultan’s daughter, yet you’re somehow able to get in touch with members of the royal court?

GENIE: Then let’s see what we can do about getting you some time with your lady love, eh, Master?

SORA: Wait, if you’re going to wish that you’ll be able to be with this princess, then what’s the point of giving the lamp to the vizier?

ALADDIN: You’re really going to help me, Genie?!

GENIE: But of course!  How ‘bout we turn you into a PRINCE?

SORA: Uh . . . wishing to be a prince is hardly the same thing as wishing someone will fall in love with you . . .

DONALD: Maybe it’s because Jasmine is the princess, so she’s going to need to fall in love with a prince!

SORA: Yeah, but if she never ends up falling in love with him, there’ll be no point to him being a prince in the first place!

ALADDIN: A prince?  You can really do that, Genie?

GENIE: You bet I can!

ALADDIN: Wow!  Genie’s as powerful as all the legends say!  Guys, let’s hurry to the palace!

SORA: . . . I suppose asking “Why?” would be pointless?

The party make their way through the marketplace and end up in an alley which is not at all on the way to the palace.  They suddenly spot a cluster of Heartless crowding around someone who lies slumped on the ground.

GOOFY: Gawrsh!  Looks like somebody’s in trouble!

DONALD: It looks like a girl!

ALADDIN: . . . JASMINE!

SORA: What, that princess you’re sweet on?  Not that I really care, but why are you just standing here?  Here’s your chance to rescue her and be the hero!

ALADDIN: We’ll never make it in time!

SORA: Um . . . all you have to do is jump down all of six feet to the ground and run up to the Heartless – it’s not that time-consuming . . .

DONALD: What are we going to do?!

ALADDIN: I’ve got no other choice!  Genie, I wish for you to save Jasmine!

GENIE: You got it!  YAAAAAAAARRGH!

He snaps his fingers and the Heartless disappear in a blaze of sparks.

ALADDIN: (running to Jasmine’s side) Jasmine!

GOOFY: Oh, boy!  She’s okay!

SORA: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  YOU JUST WASTED YOUR SECOND WISH!

DONALD: For a good cause!  Sheesh, Sora, why do you have to be such a jerk?!

More Heartless suddenly appear, surrounding the party.

ALADDIN: Again?!  I guess there’s nothing else for it!  Genie, you’re the only one who can –

SORA: Are you seriously going to waste your final wish on – actually, you know what?  Go right ahead.  I honestly don’t care anymore.

DONALD: Wait!  This time, let us handle the wish-granting!

SORA: Because we somehow couldn’t earlier?

GOOFY: Gawrsh, fellers!  Let’s get ‘em!

Sora, Donald and Goofy soundly defeat the Heartless.

SORA: See?  A mystical, wish-granting djinn is no match for an oversized key.

ALADDIN: Thanks, everyone!  So, now I’ve only got one wish left . . .

SORA: And whose fault is that, huh?

Everyone is blinded by a sudden, flashing light.

SORA: Of COURSE something like this had to happen!

GOOFY: Gawrsh!  What’s goin’ on?!

DONALD: What’s happening?!

ALADDIN: Oh, no!  The lamp is gone!

SORA: Of course it is . . .

They all look up to see the royal vizier JAFAR standing atop a building and holding the lamp.

JAFAR: Hmm, it seems my plans have gone amiss.  I was absolutely certain you’d waste your last wish . . . what with poor Jasmine in distress and the Heartless to deal with.  But no matter.  At last, the lamp is mine to command!

ALADDIN: But, Jafar!  I bought you the lamp just liked you’d asked!  I was going to give it to you anyway!  We had a deal!

JAFAR: You lie!  Don’t think you can fool me, boy!  You were going to use the lamp to win Jasmine!  But we can’t have that, now, can we?  You see, I am the one Jasmine will marry!

ALADDIN: Wh-what?!

DONALD: That is disturbing on so many levels . . .

SORA: Given you’re a member of the royal court, you do seem a more fitting suitor than Aladdin.  I highly doubt the sultan would let his daughter marry a homeless bum as it is, wish or no wish.

DONALD: Sora!

SORA: What?  That’s the reality of royal politics!

JAFAR: I quite agree with you.  If I marry Princess Jasmine, nothing can stop me from becoming king of Agrabah!  You’re nothing more than a pawn in my game, street rat!  Genie!  My first wish!  Deliver Jasmine unto me!

GENIE: (picking Jasmine up) R-right you are . . . Master . . .

ALADDIN: Genie, stop!

GENIE: Sorry, buddy, but I have to obey the one who has the lamp.  No matter what they want me to do, I have to do it.  I don’t have a choice in the matter at all!

SORA: So, no matter what morally ambiguous or downright evil things you do, you’ll just deny all responsibility and blame it on the one who told you to do it?  Yeah, that’s a GREAT lesson to be teaching to kids . . .

ALADDIN: Genie, no!  You can’t . . . !

DONALD: Don’t do it, Genie!

GOOFY: Gawrsh, Genie!  Think of Aladdin!

SORA: . . . oh, sorry, were you expecting me to contribute to the yelling?

GENIE: Sorry, Al!  Hope you can forgive me!

He, Jasmine and Jafar disappear in a flash of light.

ALADDIN: What am I to do?  Now I’ve lost both Jasmine and the lamp!

SORA: Oh, go have your pity party somewhere else!  If you want to endear yourself to that princess, go help her!

GOOFY: Gawrsh, but now Jafar’s got Genie on his side!  What’re we gonna do?

DONALD: Yeah!  It’s not like we can just walk up to him and expect to win . . .

ALADDIN: Oh, but maybe we can!  I’ve got a plan!

SORA: If it involves living underground and rebuilding humanity whilst Martians ravage the Earth, you’re on your own.

Some time later, at the gates to the palace.

SORA: Wow, for a sultan’s palace, the security here is surprisingly lacking.

GOOFY: Gawrsh!  There’s Jafar!

JAFAR: What’s this?  Has Aladdin given up on his precious Jasmine already?  Well, I am hardly going to waste a wish on the likes of you three; I’ll deal with you myself!

SORA: Okay, Aladdin!  Time to put the first part of your needlessly convoluted plan into action!

Aladdin jumps down to the ground from God-knows-where, scimitar brandished.

ALADDIN: The game’s up, Jafar!

JAFAR: What?!  You!  Genie, seize him!

GENIE: SORRY, AL!  HOPE YOU DON’T DIE!

He flies forward and cuffs Aladdin, knocking him into a wall and rendering him unconscious.

SORA: Well . . . shoot, I don’t think Aladdin planned for his being out of commission . . . still, you fell for it, Jaf – heeeeeeeeey, wait a second!  Jafar never said the words “I wish”, so WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO WHAT HE SAID, GENIE?!

GENIE: Well, my answer to that is both meaningful and profound: LOOK BEHIND YOU!  A DISTRACTION!

SORA: In other words, a big, fat plot hole.

GOOFY: Now Jafar’s only got one wish left!

GENIE: Oh, so you guys planned this all along?  Wow!  That makes you all slightly smarter than I gave you credit for!

JAFAR: Well, well.  The cunning of vermin.  But, unfortunately, you can’t see beyond the cheese.  Your little ploy changes nothing!  I can crush you once and for all and make Jasmine my own!  Genie!  My last wish!  Transform me into an all-powerful genie!

SORA: I fail to see how becoming a djinn will get you the princess . . . actually, never mind; several explanations just came into my head, none of them pretty.

Jafar disappears in a burst of light; around them, everything erupts into pillars of fire.

SORA: . . . I HATE THESE WORLDS AND THEIR IMPLAUSIBLE GEOGRAPHIES!

Sora, Donald and Goofy suddenly find themselves perched precariously on a platform amidst a sea of lava; Jafar, now a HUGE, RED GENIE descends upon them.

SORA: I predict that there is only one stupid and completely illogical way of getting out of here: killing Jafar!

GOOFY: Gawrsh, fellers!  There’s a parrot holdin’ a black oil lamp and flyin’ about!

DONALD: Leave him to me!  Bird against bird!

SORA: Go for it, duck!  But what would you call that exactly . . . “ornithocide”?

Donald unleashes several Thunder spells in quick succession, and IAGO – the parrot – collapses.

SORA: . . . why does it have a Shakespearean name?  And why it a macaw?  And why was it carrying around something as important as Jafar’s lamp, flying right where we could attack it?  And why did Jafar even wish to become a djinn in the first place?  If he really wanted to win, why didn’t he just wish to become an omnipotent god?  Why am I asking these questions and expecting an answer?

DONALD: Uh . . .

SORA: And even though we now have the lamp in our possession, we didn’t do a thing to even slightly wound Jafar.  Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to have realised this, as he could have killed us several times over but hasn’t attempted to do so.  It’s almost like he wants us to trap him in the lamp.  WHY ARE DISNEY VILLAINS SO INCOMPETENT?!

GOOFY: Gawrsh, Sora!  I just put Jafar back in his lamp!

SORA: Wait, what?  How did you even manage that?

GOOFY: I just told him to get in the lamp, and he did!  A-hyuck!

SORA: Oh . . . I assumed there’d be some sort of incantation involved or something.  But no, that would actually require some logic, which we all know is something that seems to have no business being here.

As if to prove this point, they suddenly find themselves back at the palace gates with Genie and Aladdin, who is slowly coming to.

GENIE: Holy guacamole!  You retrieved my lamp AND defeated Jafar!  You boys really are something else!  What did you end up doing with Jafar’s lamp, anyhow?

SORA: Threw it into the sea of lava, which I assume leads directly to Hell – so he’s Satan’s problem now!

ALADDIN: (waking up) Genie, you’re . . . you’re back!

GENIE: You betcha!  Large as life and twice as blue!

DONALD: Anyway . . . Aladdin, don’t you still have one wish left?

GENIE: You bet he does!  Time to make you a prince, Al!  And we’ll call you His Eminence Prince Ali Baba Ghanoush Baklava!  And you’ll have a grand parade through the town, and everyone will –

ALADDIN: Genie, I wish for your freedom!

GENIE: WHAT THE HEY?!

The golden manacles around Genie's wrists disappear, and his tail suddenly splits into two legs.

GENIE: Al!  You . . . you wasted your last wish on li’l old me?  I’LL NEVER FORGET THIS, BUDDY!

He scoops Aladdin up into a bone-crushing embrace.

ALADDIN: Genie . . . I think you just cracked one of my ribs . . .

GENIE: (releasing Aladdin) Sora, Donald, Goofy!  If you boys ever need a hand –

SORA: We won’t.

GENIE: – you just give me a shout –

SORA: We won’t.

GENIE: – and I’ll be there faster than you can say –

SORA: We won’t.

GENIE: Exactly!  Wait, what?

GOOFY: Gawrsh, Aladdin, what’re you gonna do now?

ALADDIN: I want Jasmine to get to know the real me!

SORA: Oh, sure.  Let the wealthy, privileged sultan’s daughter get to know the filthy, uneducated, illiterate, thieving hobo; nothing could possibly go wrong there.  Good luck with that, Al.