'Looking Glass' parody, pt 4

Through the (abridged) Looking Glass
(and what malice was found there)
Part IV
OR
Surely you can come up with your own alternate title by now!
It's not like anyone pays any attention to them, anyway.
I mean, how many people go around calling Così fan tutte by its – oh wait . . . never mind

Now with 30% more wholegrain fibre.


Alice is curled in a foetal position behind Humpty Dumpty's wall, muttering almost incoherently to herself.

ALICE: It all makes perfect sense now . . . this Looking Glass Land, it's really Silent Hill . . . and Humpty Dumpty was my own personal Pyramid Head . . . no wonder he makes everyone in Tom Waits' Alice look like absolute cream puffs . . . and this wall looks like the one that Laura was sitting on; I shouldn't be surprised if Humpty ate her . . . and now I'll probably run into Eddie . . .

READERS: Include all the inane Silent Hill references you want, it won't disguise the fact that you're out of ideas!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Yeah, well . . . good point, actually.

Alice recomposes herself and chances a peek over to wall to see:

SCENE: An EMPTY FIELD that according to the synopsis is a BATTLEFIELD.

The WHITE KING ambles onstage, crowing about the apparent glories of war.  The audience briefly wonders if this is supposed to be a veiled jab at a specific war and certain world leaders, but promptly forgets those thoughts as the three little Alices reappear, one of whom is brandishing a PISTOL.

AUDIENCE: . . . what?

WHITE KING: That's right!  I let little children play with live firearms!  Aren't I a wonderful king?

AUDIENCE: . . . let's put it this way – if Looking Glass Land had any sort of child-protection services, you'd be well and truly fuc –

WHITE KING: Oh!  Speaking of which . . . we should declare war upon somebody – we've not had a war for at least five minutes!

LITTLE ALICE 1: Hooray!  War!  Who shall we be fighting?

WHITE KING: Why, the red pieces, of course!  There'll be no place for their kind when our time comes!

LITTLE ALICE 2: Fantastic!  We must rally the troops!

LITTLE ALICE 3: Everyone must go to arms!

The UNICORN saunters onstage.

UNICORN: I like the sound of that!  So, we'll then make with all the fighting and the shooting and the bleeding and the dying?

WHITE KING: Yes, that's the entire point!

UNICORN: Oh, pointy, pointy – you're so sharp, you'll cut yourself!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: What?  The Unicorn is the Red Queen without her crown, pushing a Zimmer frame with a horn sticking out of it?  Actually . . . that's pretty cool!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Doesn't explain why the Unicorn's now female . . .

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Well, maybe he's still a he . . . and a transvestite.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: Or just ridiculously effeminate.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: Or maybe a futanari.

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: (starts sobbing) Why did I ever look that word up?!

UNICORN: It's a pants role, you uncultured gits!

AUDIENCE: "Uncultured gits"?  You say that like it's a bad thing . . .

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Oh!  I can't believe I wasted my best Charlie the Unicorn reference on a bunch of talking flowers!

As compensation, Inverted-Jabberwocky goes into CHARLIE THE UNICORN REFERENCE OVERDRIVE.

READERS: Oh, joy . . .

UNICORN: You'll never guess what I've just been through!  I was scuba diving with a school of fugu fish, and then I found the Banana King's amulet, which I had to return, lest the vortex open and unleash a thousand years of darkness!  And then, and then, there was the giant Spanish-speaking Z and the Choo Choo Shoe and the temple of the Banana King!

WHITE KING: Hm, I see, I see . . . anything else?

UNICORN: Ah, yes, apparently there's some sort of war already going on.  And there was a Lion, I think.  I might have killed him . . . maybe – I don't really know . . .

The Unicorn stops, having seen Alice and roughly hauls her out from behind the wall.

WHITE KING: (to Alice) Who are you?!  And why were you in such close concealment?!  Explain yourself!

UNICORN: She's a spy from the enemy camp, that's who she is!  And for that, she must be punished!  Shall I put her on the rack?  Draw and quarter her?  Keelhaul her from a ship until she drowns?  Deny her conversation peppermints?

WHITE KING: (considering Alice) But this is . . . have those blasted red pieces no shame?  This is but a human child!

UNICORN: . . . I think you may have been hit in the head one times too many, old fellow; everyone knows children are nothing but myth!

ALICE: . . . I've a right mind to say the very same thing about you!

UNICORN: How dare you!  I would take offence at that . . . if I had any idea what you were actually implying . . . at any rate, I've done my fair share of killing for the day – now, let's eat!

WHITE KING: Indubitably!

The White King produces a picnic rug and basket.  He and the Unicorn sit down and set about assembling an assortment of foodstuffs – most prominently, a LEG OF MUTTON and a PUDDING – on the plates.  Alice watches them from a distance.

ALICE: I see . . . this must be the seventh square.  Then it's not long until I'll finally be a queen.

UNICORN: Eh?  What? (to the King) She says she means to become a queen!  Could that mean she's on our side after all?

WHITE KING: Quite possible . . . never the less, we'll test her during the luncheon to be sure. (to Alice) Pray, come join us, lass!  

Alice hesitantly sits between the Unicorn and the King.

UNICORN: Care for some Soylent Green?

ALICE: (blanching) B-but . . . Soylent Green is –

WHITE KING: HUSH!  It becomes infinitely less palatable if the "P" word is mentioned!

UNICORN: Are you sure you don't want any?  It's really good!  Once you get through the first twenty chews, it doesn't even taste like peo –

Alice suddenly turns a revolting shade of green and violently throws up behind a conveniently-placed tree.

UNICORN: Well, really!  If you didn't want any, all you had to do was say "no"!

Alice staggers back to the picnic rug and all but collapses at the White King's feet.

WHITE KING: I take it then that you won't be having any of this pie that old Titus baked?

Alice is promptly sick again, as are several audience members.

UNICORN: Oh, for the love of . . . you could at least have the decency to do that backstage!

WHITE KING: Get a bit of food into you, girl – you'll feel better in no time!

ALICE: (queasily) I'd rather not . . . but I thought they said a knight was going to help me when I reached this square . . . where could he be?

PUDDING: Gone for a Tosca?

ALICE: . . . a talking pudding?

UNICORN: Yes.  In Looking Glass Land, we eat talking puddings, because we don't have Wagon Wheels.

MUTTON LEG: But you do have whole legs of mutton just longing to be eaten!  Please, won't someone eat me?

WHITE KING: Capital idea!  And the perfect way to test the prospective queen! (offering a butcher's knife to Alice) Be a dear and carve him up for us, won't you?

ALICE: Wh-what? I . . . I can't!  It talks – killing it would be . . .

UNICORN: Who said anything about killing?  We only want you to carve him up!

ALICE: You can't make me; I won't!

WHITE KING: Well, that was productive . . . how does she expect to become queen if she quails at slicing up a bit of meat?

UNICORN: Never mind that – perhaps we'll have a bit more luck with the sweets!  Pudding, come hither!

PUDDING: Oh!  B-but . . . I only came out here because I thought I ought to introduce myself to the girl, n-nothing more!

UNICORN: Well, best forget all that – we're hungry here!  And do something about changing your flavour, won't you?  I want steak-and-kidney!

WHITE KING: But I want plum pudding!

LITTLE ALICE 1: I want chocolate!

LITTLE ALICE 2: I want butterscotch!

MUTTON LEG: I want Alice to eat me! (throwing himself at Alice) Oh, please!  Chop me up into tiny little pieces and eat me – I'm begging you!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Yes, the mutton leg's a vorarephile – bet you weren't expecting to learn a new word!

READERS: . . . we're not even going to humble that with a response.

ALICE: Well, I just want that knight to show up so I can become a queen and be done with all this!

WHITE KING: Oh, of course you do!  But consider, you could spend an eternity waiting, or you could become a queen right now!  All you have to do is serve up the pudding!

ALICE: But, I-I've never . . . I don't –

UNICORN: Oh, you'll never be a queen with a stuffy attitude like that!  And besides, your book counterpart had no problem with it!

ALICE: But . . . but I am my book counterpart . . . at least, some of the time, I think I am . . . and how do you even know – (she stops, clutching her head) . . . my brain hurts . . .

UNICORN: (thrusting a ladle into Alice's hand) I always find a bit of stabbing makes me feel better!

Alice hesitantly takes the ladle.

ALICE: Will this hurt the pudding?

WHITE KING: Most definitely!

ALICE: . . . you're not helping!

UNICORN: Oh, trust us, after your first kill, you'll really learn to love it!  The tortured screams filling the air . . . the smell of blood . . . the entrails getting just everywhere; it's wonderful!  Now, hop to it!

PUDDING: No . . . don't do it . . . !

ALICE: (positioning the ladle above the pudding) I'm sorry!

PUDDING: M-mercy, Alice!  I don't want –

Alice squeezes her eyes shut and plunges the ladle into the pudding.

UNICORN: There now, that wasn't so bad, was it?  Now hurry up and serve it before its blood cools!

Looking quite ill, Alice puts slices of the pudding on plates and hands them to the Unicorn and the King.

UNICORN: Look on the bright side, Pudding – you're off the hook.  Now you can be nothing instead of just being nobody!

PUDDING: (in a broken-sounding voice) That . . . makes . . . no . . . sense!

ALICE: (scooting backwards) It-it's still alive?

UNICORN: Well, of course!  Silly girl, you didn't think slicing and dicing the thing would kill it, did you?

The White King suddenly grabs Alice's arm.

WHITE KING: What's the meaning of this?!  Do mean to imply you like the Unicorn better than me – you've made his portion at least twice the size of mine!

ALICE: I . . . I never meant to, honest!  The-the pudding must have moved on its own!

PUDDING: Lies!

WHITE KING: Blaming an innocent dessert?  You truly are low!  There's nothing else for it – you must be punished!

UNICORN: Oh, fantastic!  What shall we do to her?

WHITE KING: Only the worst possible punishment!  She shall not be allowed to join us on our next killing spree!

UNICORN: The horror!  I'd sooner die than be dealt a sentence like that!

ALICE: That's . . . punishment?

A man suddenly appears on the platform above the stage; as the opera has many characters and a tiny cast, no one is quite sure who he is.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Look!  Him being there must be important!  He's gonna do something, for sure!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Like what?  Drop a giant anvil on the stage?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: How do we know he's not just up there because there's no room for him to wait in the wings?  Seriously, this place is tiny!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: Wait . . . isn't it meant to be symbolic?  Like, he's skirting the square they're all in, keeping an eye on what's happening?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: . . . are they even playing chess anymore?

EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE OPERA: Haven't the foggiest!

AUDIENCE: . . . well, that's encouraging . . .

MAN: Remember you are in the Tulgey Wood!  Those disembodied voices from earlier appear to be shirking their duties, so I've taken over the proceedings.

At this, the White King, Unicorn and foodstuffs look terrified.

WHITE KING: The-the-the Jabberwock!

UNICORN: Woe!  It's the end for us!

ALICE: The Jabberwock?  Really?  You mean, the Jabberwock that everyone's been alluding to all this time?  Will I finally meet this manxome foe?

LIBRETTIST: Buggered if I know!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Finally!  An adaptation that actually knows "Jabberwocky" and "Jabberwock" aren't the same thing!  I am now officially in love with everyone involved in this opera!

READERS: . . . even the women?

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Especially the women!

READERS: Right, er . . . good for you?

The "Jabberwock" reappears in the midst of the tableau as the back wall of the stage splits apart, revealing him to all as –

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: . . . Lewis Carroll?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: No, no, I think you'll find it's actually the engine driver.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Are you blind?  That's clearly the Red King.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: . . . I thought it was Humpty Dumpty, back from the dead . . .

– someone played by DAVID HOBSON, accompanied by a CAMERA-TOPPED TRIPOD.

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: . . .

READER 1: . . . what, no fangirly squeeing?  No "HEYLOOKYOUGUYSIT'SDAVIDFREAKINGHOBSON!"?

READER 2: Well, she did capitalise his name, so . . . wait, "freaking"?

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: . . . you know, I'm sure those Bubble Head Nurses must get terrible back pain; I mean, how can anyone function with a bust that big?

READERS: Another Silent Hill reference?!  Urge to kill, rising . . .

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Hey, give me a break – it's one in the morning, I'm sleep-deprived and I've had to retype most of this because Word crashed, so then I had to reboot everything, come back the next day and try to remember what I'd written, then –

Meanwhile, back in the opera . . .

PICNIC GOERS: I-I-I-I-It's the JABBERWOCK!  The Jabberwock is upon us!  Oh, the horror!  Oh, the humanity!  The terror!  The panic!!  The agony!!!  The exclamation marks!!!!

ALICE: . . . that's it?  That's the big revelation – the Jabberwock is David Hobson?

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: . . . I'll be in my bunk . . .

READERS: . . . I think it's safe to say someone's pretty happy with that particular casting choice . . .

AUDIENCE: . . . no, seriously, who is that supposed to be?

THE "JABBERWOCK": (sighs) Kindly pay attention, as I am only going to say this once . . . (points to the camera) "I see you're admiring my little box; it's my own invention."

A pause.  Then . . .

SAVVY AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh, ohhh!  We get it – you're the White Knight!  And they made you look like Lewis Carroll – and your box is a camera!  That's really, really clever!

REMAINDER OF AUDIENCE: . . . what?

ALICE: You're the White Knight?  Um . . . not to seem ungrateful, but back in scene two, Mini-Me said you were going to –

The WHITE KNIGHT proceeds to beat the living daylights out of everyone bar Alice.  With one hand behind his back.  And with his eyes closed.

READERS: . . . oh, come on!  We've put up with a lot from you, but this blatant fangirling is really too much!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Hey, be grateful I'm even including you in this!

READERS: Even though you have no idea who we are and are just using us as cheap attempts to make stupid jokes . . .

The Knight drags the inert picnic party offstage as Alice watches on; seemingly of its own accord, the camera-topped tripod approaches her.

TRIPOD: I've got just one word to say to you: ULLA –

KNIGHT: Hush!  You aren't that sort of tripod!

TRIPOD: (sniffles) I . . . I could have been!  Oh, if only I had attended that "You Too Can Be A Successful Extraterrestrial War Machine" seminar!

As the tripod goes off to cry in a corner and tries to pinpoint exactly when it was that all its aspirations for life went so horribly awry, the Knight wordlessly approaches Alice.

ALICE: (humbly) Thank you, sir, for –

KNIGHT: (ignoring Alice) White Knight!  Chocolate and mint combined perfectly in delectable bar form!

ALICE: . . . what?

KNIGHT: I forget – short attention span, you know.  Hello!  Have we met?  My memory's not what it used to be.  Hello!  Have we met?

READERS: . . .

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: What, no snarky comments?

READERS: Well . . . perhaps –

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: LA LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU!

KNIGHT: Well, no matter!  I'll gladly accompany you through this square, if you wish it.

ALICE: Oh . . . thank you, sir . . . though I do wish you'd shown up as soon as I'd entered this square. And just before we go, quick question: when everyone before called you the Jabberwock, did they mean that metaphorically, or do you possess some kind of "ARMS" that will literally transfigure you into the monster?

KNIGHT: "Jabberwock"?  Huh . . . and all this time I thought I was Stray Dog . . .

ALICE: Then I suppose I'd best not shoot you, but instead give you the gun.  That is the only way I'll achieve the good ending, after all.

READERS: At last, a reference we actually understand!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Wow, really?

READERS: OF COURSE NOT!

Alice and the Knight set off through the forest.

ALICE: I suppose I'll become a queen once I reach the next square . . . that does sound rather grand; frankly, I've been stuck as a Princess of Heart for longer than I care to remember . . . and why I got the gig over that mermaid is beyond me!

KNIGHT: (sincerely) My queen you'll always be . . .

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Crowning moment of heart-warming!  Nothing could ruin this moment!

PERVERTED AUDIENCE MEMBER: Rule 34 –

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: NONONONONONOSHUTUP!

ALICE: I . . . I feel simultaneously flattered and frightened . . . why would you say such a thing?

KNIGHT: Not entirely sure, myself.  Because I love you, maybe?

ALICE: You do?  Like the way that Heathcliff loved Cathy?

KNIGHT: Well, no, that's not quite how I'd –

ALICE: Like how Wendy loved Jennifer?

KNIGHT: What?  No!  Not at all like –

ALICE: Like how Othello loved Desdemona?  Like how Marcello loved Cossette?  Like how Kefka loved killing things?

KNIGHT: "Love"!  I said "love", not "in love and barking mad"!  And in any case . . . (gestures to the audience) They're supposed to make up their own damn minds about all this.

AUDIENCE: Durrr . . . we don't have minds of our own to make up!  That's why we're going to keep coming back here night after night until the season ends!

TICKET SALES: Ka-ching!

Alice and the Knight continue on their way, discussing the weather, playing "I spy" and puzzling over why Niki and Matt disappeared after the first series of Classical Destinations.

KNIGHT: . . . so then she said, "Oh, you like contemporary opera." and proceeded to glare at me as if I'd just told her that I'd murdered her parents and eaten their remains . . . I had done exactly that, but that's beside the point.

ALICE: Well, that's . . . fascinating . . . but I must ask: what exactly does that invention of yours do?

KNIGHT: (wheels the tripod closer so Alice can see) Apart from going "ding" when there's stuff, it's also rather useful for storing things.  At present, I've taken to filling it with emotions, namely fear, hope and despair.  When it has reached its full capacity, I'll mix them all together and then, the Heartless will dance just as I envision it!

ALICE: Er . . . I think someone might have actually tried that already . . .

KNIGHT: Oh, they did?  Drat . . . well, if the cast-and-synopsis program insert is anything to go by, it can also capture souls!

ALICE: . . . that's, er . . . oh!  Would you look at that, there's the edge of the square already!  Thank you for escorting me, sir, I'll take my leave now!

KNIGHT: You're leaving?  So soon?

ALICE: Yes.  I mean to enter the final square so I can become queen and call an end to this game.

KNIGHT: But . . . when you do that . . . when the game ends . . . who will you be then?

ALICE: Well . . . before all this started, I know I was Alice, though I just might have changed into someone else somewhere along the way . . . but I suppose I'll go back to being Alice again once the game is finished.  That said, I'm not entirely sure which Alice I'll be . . . perhaps the one from Alice 19th . . . or maybe the one that the Rozen Maidens strive to become . . . or the Stevie Nicks song . . . or that lake in New Zealand . . . or that film by Woody Allen . . . in any case, I'll be someone or something called "Alice"!

KNIGHT: Could you stay but a little longer?  I wrote a song for you while we were walking, and I'd very much like for you to hear it.

ALICE: I suppose I could spare a few minutes . . . this song isn't overly long, is it?

KNIGHT: No, quite short and very sad – so sad that you may even be moved to tears!

ALICE: Really?  That sad?

KNIGHT: Yes!  It's the same sort of sadness that makes one wish that La Bohème would, even but once, conclude the same way as RENT!

ALICE: . . . with Schaunard killing a dog and ending up dead?

KNIGHT: . . . yes!

ALICE: Sing, then.

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Okay, I want you all to use your imaginations here.  You are actually capable of that, yes?  Think of the saddest song you've ever heard and imagine the Knight's singing that.  See, I'm concerned that if I tried to do anything funny with the real aria, I'd end up bastardising it, and I certainly don't want to do that!

READERS: But you've got no problem bastardising the rest of the entire opera?

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: . . . are you trying to imply something?

As the aria continues, the knight approaches Alice from behind and puts his hands on her shoulders, holding her close to him.  At this, the audience's hearts melt a little.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Awww . . . it's almost a shame she has to go.  Wait, why does she have to leave, anyway?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Well . . . this is all just her dream, right?  I think she'd be deluding herself if she stayed because she'd only a queen in her head – she'd be turning her back on who she really is, at least in a symbolic kind of way . . . I think . . .

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: What?  That's crazy talk!  The reason she can't stay is because if she did, she'd be living completely in her head.  Meanwhile, she'd physically become a vegetable, and would probably end up being institutionalised for her own safety.  So really, her staying with him wouldn't do her much good in the long run.

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Still . . . if the company decided to end it like that, then they'd have a legitimate excuse to make an American McGee's Alice opera!  That would be cool!

ALICE: Thank you, sir – it was a wonderful song – but I really must be going now.

KNIGHT: I see . . . only, you don't seem at all sad; perhaps you lost your heart somewhere along the way?  In which case, you must be a Nobody, and I shall rechristen you "Cailex"!

ALICE: No, I'm fairly certain my heart is still intact . . . I don't feel sad enough to cry, that's all.  And at any rate, the audience looks confused enough as it is, so surely it would only confuse them all the more if I were to show you some sort of sympathy, given what you represent is what I am trying to run away from . . . or that I'm trying to escape your metaphoric hold over me . . .

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Whoops!  I'm starting to slip into some serious theorising here, and there's no place for that in parody; better throw in a joke or something . . . ah!  I've got it!  So, you know how the "Flower Duet" is the basis of "Smooth Operetta" in Boom Boom Rocket?  It's a pretty clever play on words, but it's not entirely correct.  I mean, Lakmé isn't even an operetta, you know?  Now, if they'd called it something like "Smooth Opera-tor", that would've –

READERS: Do we look like we care?!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: . . . since I can't actually see any of you, I'm going to assume you mean that rhetorically.  Also, why did they even call her "Lakmé" in the first place?  Why not "Lakshmi", like that Esper from –

Every READER simultaneously reaches through their computer screen and punches Inverted-Jabberwocky in the head.

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Ouch!  Okay, okay, point taken!  I'll shut up!

KNIGHT: Will you really leave me with nothing?  Not even a photograph?  It could be as a keepsake – a reminder of the time we spent together, both exactly as we were in this very moment, therefore allowing the both of us closure enough to – ROCKING-HORSEFLY!

The Knight promptly leaves Alice's side to chase the insect.

ALICE: Huh . . . he wasn't kidding about that short attention span . . . in any case, here's my chance!

Alice leaps across the brook and clears her throat.

ALICE: In the name of Maleldil, Neuromancer, CLAMP and Master Eraqus, I hereby declare this game officially closed!

KNIGHT: . . . what?  Oh, bugger, not again!  I didn't even get a chance to – MOME RATH!

The Knight runs offstage, presumably intending to turn the rath into bacon.  Alice is left alone in:

SCENE: The FINAL SQUARE.

The first little Alice, now clad in a black, very Gothic Lolita-esque dress joins Alice, but she doesn't seem to notice.

ALICE: . . . and then for the grand finale – Tosca hurls herself from the abattoir roof into a seething mass of bloodied cattle carcasses!

READERS: Stop using the characters as mouthpieces to force your weird musical tastes on us!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: Silly readers, I wouldn't even dream of using this parody to brainwash you – that's what I'm doing the Shuffle Challenge for!

Alice and little Alice sing the "Alice Pleasance Liddell" acrostic poem from the end of Through the Looking-Glass in what appears to be the final song of the opera.  At its conclusion, Alice considers and sums up the scene as such:

ALICE: So . . . this ending implies that I've fully embraced who I am, and at the same time have accepted that I'll never be able to escape the shadow of my literary counterpart?  That's . . . quite sad, actually.  Is it too late to go back and change what influences the ending I get?  I'm interested to see what it would have been like if I had put a bullet in the Jabberwock's head . . .

LITTLE ALICE: Oh well, maybe you can try that tomorrow and see what happens!

ALICE: Good point, I think I might jus – wait, what?

LITTLE ALICE: Oh, you didn't know?  You have to come back and do all this again tomorrow night!  And the next night . . . and the next night . . . and the night after that . . . but not on Mondays, because that would be barbaric!

ALICE: . . . eh, it's a living . . .

The lights slowly fade out to black.

AUDIENCE: What?  It's over already?

The CAST comes back onstage for the curtain call.

AUDIENCE: So it really is over . . . seventy minutes is too short for an opera!

READERS: And four parts is too short for an opera parody!

INVERTED-JABBERWOCKY: It took me almost a year to write this!  If you don't like it, you can bloody well write your own version!

ALICE FANS IN AUDIENCE: Well . . . I quite liked that!  They were respectful to the original book and they wove the new storyline in without compromising the Looking-Glass plot.  When I get home, I'm going to buy another ticket and see it again!

EVERYONE ELSE: . . . I'm so confused!  What the hell happened in the past seventy minutes?  Someone explain it all to me!  Will it make more sense upon rewatching it?  Maybe when I get home, I should buy another ticket and see it again!

PERVERTED AUDIENCE MEMBER: Maybe on another night, the actors will feel like making that scene with Alice and Humpty better!  In that case, when I get home, I'm gonna buy another ticket and see it again!

CONTEMPORARY AUSTRALIAN OPERA: Ka-ching!

And so they all lived happily ever after, with the exception of that one PERVERTED AUDIENCE MEMBER, who mysteriously vanished after being invited backstage by the cast and was subsequently never heard from again.

THE END.